To Live Again

I recently went to see Season 5 of The Chosen at the movie theater. This season is about Holy Week, leading up to the betrayal of Jesus by one of his followers. Pardon the spoiler, but it’s not like we don’t know how the story is going to end; we’ll be celebrating the resurrection of real life Jesus in a few days. 

Since I live with my dad now out in the middle of nowhere, I had to go to the theater near a house I used to live in. I lived there with a man without benefit of clergy, yet no one but me was surprised when things turned out poorly.

This was also the last house where I lived with both of my children. They both now live with their dad, my first husband.

I lost everything when we lost that house.

The not-so-good old days

And every one who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house upon sand Matthew 7:24

I hadn’t been back to that house since the children and I were forcefully evicted three days before Christmas in 2016. Months earlier, knowing what was coming, I had tried to end my life. After a few days in a hospital I was back trying to pick up the pieces but things would get a lot worse before they got better.

For several years I would distract myself when I was with someone who had to drive us past that neighborhood for whatever reason. The memories of those times were too painful for me to look back on.

Now I finally felt like it was time to stop running from the past. The bible says God will give us beauty for our ashes. But we have to let go of the ashes first. Since I would be in the neighborhood anyway, I figured now was as good a time as any. 

to grant to those who mourn in Zion--to give them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3

Walking up to the house I saw a patio in the backyard that hadn't been there when we used to have parties and barbecues almost every weekend the first summer we lived there. I thought about all of the people who had spent time there who are now dead, or otherwise permanently out of my life. All the trees we had are also gone, and the landscaping in general was entirely different.

It took a long time but the same can be said for my life. 

It wasn’t until spring of 2018 that things started to change, with help from The Chosen. When the show started I was excited to see new product from Dallas Jenkins. I was a fan of the movie “What If,” which he directed, and I thought correctly that the imagined lives of the disciples of Jesus was a great concept for a show.

if we are faithless, he remains faithful--for he cannot deny himself. 2 Timothy 2:13

From following the show and its actors on social media I also found Ascension Presents and all of their content. Before I had the courage to walk into a church by myself and go to confession for the first time in over two decades those videos on YouTube were my comfort and my strength. I identified and unlearned a lot of unhealthy behaviors, and replaced them with habits that not only serve me better but honor God.

Dawn of a New Era

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:6

Instead of smoking weed when I get depressed I read my bible and pray. When I feel anxious I take a walk instead of a nap. I have friends now that go to church instead of to bars.

I still attract the occasional weirdo but I have learned to identify and eliminate them rather than date or marry them, which can only be called progress.

Walking away from that house to continue to the theater I was once again grateful to put the past behind me and start my life again. Even though it took me a lot longer than the three days it took Jesus, I finally am starting to live again.