Changing the Algorithm

From the time I was a teenager I struggled with depression that eventually morphed into suicidal ideation. I didn’t know where it came from. I was just always depressed. My friends used to think they were funny calling me So Sad Serena. Once I moved back in with my dad I truly was as alone as I had ever been. I was out in the middle of nowhere. I had lost touch either by choice or by fate with every friend I ever had. All I could do was look inward.

To pass the time, I joined a protestant church and was singing in their choir. One of the songs we had to sing was “Every day is a gift from the Lord.” I felt sarcastic singing it.

I forgot how to smile

Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. Sing to the Lord, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. Psalm 96 1-2

When my husband and I were together we watched pro wrestling, and political propaganda programs. The only books I read were written to fuel the rage that was already inside me. There was no music at all. My only consolation was a feeling the Lord put in my heart saying, "Hang in there. It's not always going to be like this."

Once I was alone, I threw away all my political books and unfollowed all the angry You Tube channels. I started off with just background music. Eventually I gravitated toward programs about books and God. When I started listening to music for the first time in years, I discovered I liked the Allman Brothers. That was a surprise even to me.

But I still felt depressed. Instead of drinking, I was smoking weed to “lift my mood.” Not only was it not helping but it was depleting my funds. I was stuck in a rut. Once again, I felt the admonishment of the Lord speak to me saying, "Stop doing stupid things and bad things will stop happening to you."

Do not deprive yourself of a happy day; let not your share of desired good pass by you. Sirach 14:14

Every day stressors had me telling myself I wanted to die. I yelled at the cat just for being a cat. I took stock of my behavior.  It occurred to me that there was nothing wrong.  I was just so used to being angry and depressed that it had become the default. I realized how ridiculous my behavior was. I had no choice but to change.  I felt conviction whenever I went outside to blow weed. Eventually I stopped completely.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalms 118:24

Once my head cleared, I realized that although I made a lot of bad decisions which caused a lot of my problems, I wasn’t any worse off than a lot of other people. I wasn’t living where I wanted to live, but at least I was safe. I didn’t have any friends, but I had my Newty, and that alone is worth being thankful for every day. I remind myself of that every time I’m tempted to lose my patience with him.

In general, instead of looking back and counting the loss, I started looking around and counting the blessings.  It slowly began to dawn on me that I really was happy. I’m finally at a point, for the first time in my life, that I do feel like every day really is a gift from the Lord.

Everyone should have someone look at them the way this cat is looking at me in this picture